Somebody Save me…

I find that in this world we are smacked in the face with new demons every day. As more things in my life reach the surface I find myself barely staying afloat. Why? Why, does everything have to just always be so damn complicated? Like can’t we just live? Can’t we stop the worry and fear for all that is around us ALL the time? I feel, I fear taking one step forward because I end up falling 10 steps behind. I have dreams, I have ambitions, I have a purpose. I am spectacular, and I know it. There is more to me than just being a female in this seemingly apathetic world.

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I crave to feel the bones and joints that I hide beneath my skin. I no longer feel like I belong within myself, let alone in this world that trapped me in. I wake up, and find myself wondering, effortlessly, lost within the time. I do not think that anybody, has the strength to make it out alive. I do not feel that I make sense around all the people that I know. I feel that I am screaming from top of my lungs, hidden by the shadows of the normalcy below. I cannot seem to grasp the concept that no one understands my tone. Why I feel like something is so hilarious? but I laugh at it alone. I will never seem to comprehend why the way my mind is, never matters. instead I know you mock my actions from the bottom of the shadows. I wish that for once I would open my eyes and feel the sun and love upon my face. Instead… here I am, broken and torn by the raptures of this place.

If I could simply put into words, the things that I just want to say. Maybe then I could be understood, enough to make it through the day. I feel as if I am lost at sea, trying to swim my way back home. I paddle just as hard as I can, but I know I’ll die alone. My words are tied to me like an anchor, every phrase pulling me deeper in the oceans black abyss. You still don’t hear the things I am screaming, I can’t let you see me like this. As I am left to sink to the bottom, my thoughts still heavy at my feet. I feel the utter suffocation, as the water and my lungs, meet.

All I needed was some validation, and someone to let me know my voice was heard. Instead I let the anxiety hold me down, and sanity go absurd. There must be more to life than this, I can’t keep living by the moment. I know that I am worth so much more, than a daily dose of torment.

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Wade Wilson is not a SuperHero

Why can’t things happen the way they do in the movies? I was sitting there watching DeadPool last night and I found that I was in awe over the fact that I literally wanted that life. Now coming from me… a non-marvel fan… that says a lot. I was struck by admiration in the constant joy that Wade Wilson had with his not so pleasant situations. I was impressed by the outcome and the overwhelming surge of good that he wanted to do in the world, while keeping on a more realistic level. “I am not a superhero, I am the good guy that is above the bad guy”. Why this movie literally stuck with me today, I have no idea. However, it made me want this life more than I have ever wanted in a fictional character.

The thing that got me the most was the love in the movie. It was so… real. They found comfort in each other, they WANTED each other, he proposed with a ring pop, I mean come on… How much does that warm your heart? Why does it have to be a fancy expensive ring? For a fancy, expensive reception? It doesn’t… Your supposed to get married to start a life together in the right ways… not already bankrupt. They loved each other for who they were. Sexually they like meshed as one person. Explored different things openly and together. It was extremely warming. Then it ends with being in love with someone no matter who they are, what they look like, or how much they had hurt you….

 

That is what I want. I mean… I don’t need a prince charming. Hell, I don’t even need someone sane… I don’t even need someone with a full identity. I just want that happiness in my life. Each and every time I feel that I am significantly closer to finding that happiness. Somehow it just withers away. Now I am to the point in my life where I must physically STOP myself from loving people… They all leave, they all lie, they all don’t mature, or they all have some new found hatred for single moms.

Oh boy let me tell you… If I had a dollar for how many times I have been told that being a mom is why there is no intention in dating, well I wouldn’t need child support. I do not want to date anyone to have them raise my children. Once I can get their dads to do that 100% then maybe someone could be added to that mix…. However, I know that I am wonderful. I have treated every relationship with respect, I worked hard for the other person, I loved with no fear of getting hurt, and I always put my own needs last. Now… people say they want someone who does all those things… yet they don’t act when something great is SLAPPING THEM in the face.

People fear rejection far too much. Yeah, not everyone likes you, not everyone wants to date you, and hell most don’t even want to be friends with you. There will always be a time when someone will tell you no. Rejection is natural, and it is a choice and honor that all people have the rights to. Next time you get rejected, shake the person’s hand and thank them for giving you one more thorn in your already broken heart bush. Make them feel like they just missed out on some Edgar Allen Poe bullshit. Make THEM sweat it. Leave; get some ice cream; cry it out; and move forward the next day stronger than you were yesterday.

The rejection that actually does cause a significant amount of pain, is time lapsed rejection. Rejection for no reason. Like when someone is seemingly your close friend, things would be awesome, they won’t date because of kids… but they go for Jill with 2 kids, and it’s supposed to make sense. No that makes shit awkward. Just be real with the person and tell them they are fat or something, and you just aren’t that into them. Or you have the ones who, with no rhyme or reason, you know that if things continued, they would be so awesome and seemingly perfect… Like the “what ifs” become intoxicating and you almost feel like it is a game you are bound to lose. You both click on every level seemingly perfect and a few months pass and no one has killed each other yet. Like, that rejection has been the hardest one to hit home. I feel like a little girl just flailing my arms around begging for a chance. But again like I said, I am going to put my big girl pants on, eat a tub of ice cream, cry about it, and figure out some way to make myself stronger for the next person.

Just be like Wade Wilson people. Live your life free spirited, make jokes about the bad shit. Smile with the people you love. Kick any diseases ASS, that may stand in your way. Pick up the broken pieces of your heart and carry on! Life is too short for all the nonsense that we live day to day. I know I suffer with my own depression, but I aim to make that my first goal to stop.

Someone will appreciate the all in me. There IS someone out there who will be my white Pony.