Somebody Save me…

I find that in this world we are smacked in the face with new demons every day. As more things in my life reach the surface I find myself barely staying afloat. Why? Why, does everything have to just always be so damn complicated? Like can’t we just live? Can’t we stop the worry and fear for all that is around us ALL the time? I feel, I fear taking one step forward because I end up falling 10 steps behind. I have dreams, I have ambitions, I have a purpose. I am spectacular, and I know it. There is more to me than just being a female in this seemingly apathetic world.

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I crave to feel the bones and joints that I hide beneath my skin. I no longer feel like I belong within myself, let alone in this world that trapped me in. I wake up, and find myself wondering, effortlessly, lost within the time. I do not think that anybody, has the strength to make it out alive. I do not feel that I make sense around all the people that I know. I feel that I am screaming from top of my lungs, hidden by the shadows of the normalcy below. I cannot seem to grasp the concept that no one understands my tone. Why I feel like something is so hilarious? but I laugh at it alone. I will never seem to comprehend why the way my mind is, never matters. instead I know you mock my actions from the bottom of the shadows. I wish that for once I would open my eyes and feel the sun and love upon my face. Instead… here I am, broken and torn by the raptures of this place.

If I could simply put into words, the things that I just want to say. Maybe then I could be understood, enough to make it through the day. I feel as if I am lost at sea, trying to swim my way back home. I paddle just as hard as I can, but I know I’ll die alone. My words are tied to me like an anchor, every phrase pulling me deeper in the oceans black abyss. You still don’t hear the things I am screaming, I can’t let you see me like this. As I am left to sink to the bottom, my thoughts still heavy at my feet. I feel the utter suffocation, as the water and my lungs, meet.

All I needed was some validation, and someone to let me know my voice was heard. Instead I let the anxiety hold me down, and sanity go absurd. There must be more to life than this, I can’t keep living by the moment. I know that I am worth so much more, than a daily dose of torment.

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My song of Divorce

I would sit and dance in front of you

Just to get you to see.

The wonders in your life my dear

That was right in front of thee.

 

Id scream your name in hopes and dreams,

That I could get you to listen.

I never existed like your TV did,

Until the tears I had would glisten.

 

Id beg and plea for just 5 minutes

Of the time you couldn’t spare.

In hopes you would appreciate

The person standing there.

 

As time went on and money got tighter,

I felt that it was you.

You never helped with anything,

That I would beg you to do.

 

I laid alone every night

Waiting for your affection.

You would come in as if I was gone

And give devices your attention.

 

I worked so hard for our home

You never even thanked me

You took the credit for my hard work

While I still stayed alone, without thee.

I begged for months for things to change

You never thought I was strong.

I sat there and soaked it in,

I had been bottling it up too long.

 

I lost a child in the most painful way,

I begged for you to hold me.

Yet somehow YOU were suicidal

And I lost the world I see.

 

I realized nothing that I ever did

Had a thing to do with myself.

The world that we had lived in

Was a shrine to you, yourself.

 

You needed every ounce of attention

That I had left to share.

You didn’t want to show me love,

Unless someone else was there.

 

I gained the strength to ask you to leave,

Knowing that something wasn’t right.

Giving you the final chance,

To come back as my knight.

 

I found that with that split second of freedom,

You had already moved on.

Telling people I wanted a divorce,

And in that sir you were wrong.

 

You never gave me a chance to speak

You pushed to say what you wanted.

Every time you came around it was

I who was instantly daunted.

 

How dare you tell people,

That I wasn’t faithful to you?!

I stayed at home every night

Proving this marriage was true.

 

You were the one that was always out

Each and every weekend.

I let you do all you wanted because,

I felt you deserved your friend.

 

You made me out to be a monster,

I have randoms calling me a whore.

I did nothing to you but stand my ground,

Love you, and nothing more.

 

You did this to yourself dear boy,

I wasn’t good enough for your time.

I would offer therapy,

And you would walk the line.

 

I have lost so many nights

Crying for what we had.

Praying that no matter what,

You’ll never give up being a Dad.

 

You moved on and chastise me,

For doing just the same.

I found someone that made me smile,

And you just curse his name.

 

Thirteen years are forever gone,

A friendship I swore would always last.

You can’t even look at me,

Without putting my life on blast.

 

Just wish me well as I do you,

For our son we will stay sane.

The time that we did have together,

It’s time to cut the chain.

 

This is my farewell,

In hopes that we can remain civil.

It is time for you and me,

To let our love to shrivel.

 

So long husband,

With this pen I sign away our past.

I hope that you will find true love,

Don’t consider me your last.