Three Months… It takes only 3 months to feel like you have lost control of everything in your life. Everything has spiraled so out of control that I cant seem to grasp at the loose sand that I have buried myself in. I have never opened my eyes in the morning craving redirection, a way out, an escape like I have. I tell myself that I have gone through worse… but at what time does the heart stop? Do your lungs cave in? Do you just give up?
From death, to abuse, to relationships, to friends, to enemies, to internet harassment… The past 3 months has been nothing but day after day torment and someone up in the sky is watching over me, because If I didn’t have my children… I would be dead.
No, this isn’t for pity. I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, I do plenty of that on my own. This is to hopefully bring awareness to how you act and treat people. I have been publicly humiliated for someone else’s personal enjoyment. My heart was dragged on pavement by a string because I was stupid enough to allow it. My life is empty because anyone I give a damn about is over 1,000 miles away. You can say you will be there for me all you want but I will never have things that other people have.
I look in the mirror and I HATE the person that is looking back at me. I see a woman, who wants to change the past. I see a mother who has little to none of her shit together. I see a human who pushes away anyone that has ever loved her. I see a hallucinogenic psychopath. I see a whore. I see a hypo dramatic lunatic. I see someone no one defends. I see a fat sack of saggy skin. I see tired eyes and a dyke haircut. I see someone who is empty. I see someone who will never be good enough. I see myself giving myself the same pep talk over and over again, but now my positivity sounds like a broken record and I feel like I will tell myself anything to sleep at night. I see failure.
You see, I suffer from borderline personality disorder. No. I do not walk around as separate identities. Do your research before judging. I have a black and white mentality. I either love myself or I don’t. I am either there for you or I am not. One small thing can set me back in a downward spiral for weeks. I have bipolar episodes in minutes. I could be the happiest person in the room, and then the most insecure and angry human in the world. I have literally pushed away every single person I loved. I destroyed a family relationship at some of the most critical times of my life. I only have safe family ties 1,000 miles away. Sometimes I just want them to come and hug me, sometimes I don’t want anyone there at all. I find that my children are my only peace, I am in control of who hurts them… and when they do I turn “hyper dramatic” in a split second. I act before I think. I cry myself to sleep 4 out of 7 nights a week. Sometimes for no reason…. I mean the list of my “crazy” can go on.
Why am I sharing this with you WordPress? Well, my blog is labeled the “Chronicles of Nothing Spectacular”. The title is the truth and I want others to see that most people fight their own war deep sown within themselves every.single.day. I got married thinking that ALL of me would be supported. And I was not, in fact half the reason I feel the way that I do is because the town that I live in TAUNTS me as being this whore, or hyper dramatic, or something to that affect. While I sit there and say “yeah he was just too immature and we grew apart instead of together”. It has been 2 years and I am still broken every day. I feel disgusting. One week I fall for the cries and pleas to “try to make this work” and I let myself be dragged along like a sick puppy. I was tormented online by people who used to be MY friends that are now only his and they publicly blasted humiliating information about me all over the internet which I guarantee at least 30 people have screen shots, and if I could just leave this place and change my name I would… Who defended me? Who let someone call me fat whenever I wasn’t around? Who stood up to the “bully” and told them they were wrong? That I am a good person, that I am a good mother, and I DESERVE to live just like everyone else? Strangers… 3 strangers defended me. Thank you strangers.
Who showed up to try to work out custody agreements and divorce agreements and prove his maturity covered in hickies? Not me. You can put your hickies elsewhere. I don’t need them to be showcased as if they wouldn’t mentally destroy someone. Considering a week prior you were trying to get back with me. But I guess in a week I became a disgusting human being yet again. I must have done something repulsive like, asked you to talk to me and have a conversation. Who knows the image that I have on that end. Another person that has no idea who I am probably tiptoes around me like I am ready to attack them like the wild psycho banshee I am. OOOOO I work 50 hour weeks, I mom, and I sit alone at home. I fight for you to have a full conversation and I nag and bitch. My bad.
Again the above statement is me being hyper dramatic and I will just move forward.
If you have ever lost a parent… let alone 2. You know the turmoil that causes in life. Well. I am alone here. I wake up every morning, Call my voicemail. Listen to a saved recording of my mom to hear her voice. Then I think of the smell of the gangrene. Then I think of how within a week the person I thought loved me the most went behind my back and snuck around to get paperwork written up and see a lawyer about a divorce that he ignored in the first place. Who came to me on our anniversary a WEEK after I lost my mother and blamed nanny abuse on my poor judgement of character?! IN MY HOME. Who looked me in the eyes and told me that they didn’t have the time to say goodbye to my mother but had the time to help a friend move couches for hours and just so happen to have a game controller fall within his hand? Oh yeah… this is also not me. So now we are purposely trying to cause a broken human the worst possible emotional pain on the planet… to better fit YOUR needs and what YOU want. Yet, somehow… someway I am supposed to believe you when you tell me I need to stay here because you will be there for me…. Let me count the ways your words have no validation.
To the friends. I am so utterly blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Sometimes I don’t appreciate it enough because I lack the boundaries to see what is right in front of me. I know that when my mom died I had people drive over 1,000 miles to see me, to support me, to be there for me. I have friends right up the road that didn’t feel the same way. When it comes to my friendship I go above and beyond and I am just now, at 27 years old getting to where I can step back and KNOW that I am being taken advantage of. I cherish everything a friend does for me. I really need people… and yet I sit alone. I am not saying to put your life on hold. But just know, that I don’t know how people are supposed to feel and act in most cases so if the tables are turned you will have to tell me to go away, because I will be all over you to make sure you don’t want to bite a bullet every morning.
“But Amber, your mom did such terrible things to you” Yeah, I know. Which goes back to my feelings when I look in the mirror. If she had never had me, I wouldn’t have ruined lives, I wouldn’t have hurt people, I wouldn’t have disappointed her, she probably would have been proud of me for something, and maybe… just maybe… I would feel like I had some type of worth. Ya see the problem with why it is hitting me so hard is… I WANTED her so bad. I craved to have a normal mother relationship. I CRAVED it. I feel like 2 weeks before she died was the most genuine she ever was speaking to me… it was not the addiction, it wasn’t her level of crazy, it was just my mom… I have the right to feel as broken as I do. I feel that every single one of you would feel this way too.
I stopped using Facebook, at least for anything other than my kids. I have 20 friends on there and I won’t have any more than that. I was told that I treat Facebook like a parent. I have always used it as a Segway into validation and well this entire blog is doing the same thing… but I have done nothing but sit and think for days and I am at my breaking point. I am tired of sitting in shadows hoping that someone will just hear me, defend me, see me.
My children are the only thing in the world that make me feel beautiful. I pray that no matter what the future holds that they will never feel an OUNCE of the pain I do… and so help me god, If you hurt my child or break their hearts and I am alive to see it I will break your skull. I am having a hard-enough time dealing with my son’s separation anxiety that he has from being stood up one too many times.
When I do open my heart, I am clearly not intelligent because I think people feel things for me that they don’t. The only person on the planet that I felt 100% gave me their all in being there as a support system, never really felt the way I thought he felt about me. If that makes any sense. “You need someone better” No… I don’t NEED anything. I felt complete and now I feel broken. Those are important feelings and clearly it wasn’t reciprocated. Lesson learned Amber Lesson learned.
So, that is it guys. It’s why I have been MIA. Everyone wants to call and have me talk about it. I don’t want to talk anymore. I can’t talk anymore, it only opens the scab and literally I start shaking. My anxiety is just too out of control, my life is out of control, my mind is out of control… I can’t change any of this… all I can do is change the outcome of how I will handle tomorrow. My goal for tomorrow is to still not talk about it. I want to be numb.
This will be the last entry in The Chronicles of Nothing Spectacular. It is time to move on from all of this. I just won’t sit in silence anymore… So, might as well go out with a bang and delete everything before I am flooded with hate letters.